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Installation of electric fencing
Thought y'all should read this in case you're
thinking of installing an electric fence!
We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few
months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically
in the entire city.
To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric
fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply
had, made for 26 miles of fence.
I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into
the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you
have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo
Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken
and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I
unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire
and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It
seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after
all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running
lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga volt fence wire
in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the
size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down
cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing
I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my
body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the
lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every
time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel
the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the
engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS
lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical
impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same
time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once,
but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of
a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time
is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM
BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there
were minutes in between but in reality it was so close
together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy
turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds)
into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around
the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a
farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always
had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that
were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not
let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting
signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river
bottom soil.
At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to
just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of
gas. 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled
the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has
settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of
big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz,
and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God, please
die... pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the
rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big
bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from
its owner's right foot.
So, here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80%
humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill
me. God did not take me that day, he left me there covered
in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity
had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire....
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower
was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I
was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where
I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot
were the wire had laid while I was on the ground still
holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in
the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon
waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few
things.
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right
butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not
smell as bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I
think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or
something, because it was better than new after that.
7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are
almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while
thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this?)
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for
things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I
always double check to make sure the fence is unplugged
before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over
the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system
will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling
all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I
mow.
_________________
Emoticons are the wheelchair ramps for the humor impaired.
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